Now a Word for the Ladies…

Okay, so I feel like I am trying to be the Evangelical answer to Dr. Phil. I claim no great expertise at relationships; I am a simply minister who has been given the honor of spending much time with amazing young adults. I love watching young men and women who love Jesus grow in love for Christ and each other until they unite in marriage and build a life together.  I am in awe of the God Who has given me the love of my life and two children to enjoy as a family. My last post was pretty tough on single guys. And believe me, a lot of them deserve it.  From the response I have gotten online and in person, many guys (and gals) appreciate it.

But young ladies need not think the problem always lies with men.  I think most of the time it does, but not in every case. So, here is a word to ladies. Precious young ladies (yes, I am nicer to ladies than guys since I am a guy, and a dad, and I know we guys are thick), some of you who claim to love Jesus so much have expectations of guys that simply are not fair, and sometimes are quite worldly.  Examples I have seen all too often:

1. Finding Mr. Romance— When I have studied married couples in Scripture, and

have examined Ephesians 6, the Pastorals, etc, I see expectations of husbands. But those expectations do not put romance at the top if at all. Knowing when to buy flowers, how to write poems, etc,  never seems to be the top criteria (note: I do buy Michelle flowers and I have written her poems).  Okay, we have the Song of Solomon. But even it is more about the adoration of each other than some sort of Hallmark moment. Have we gone overboard on romantic expectations while undervaluing godly character?

I have seen young ladies put way too much value on the ability of the guy to “sweep her off her feet” on the first date.  Her friends sit around the dorm or apartment waiting to hear all about how it went (translation: how did he score on the check list of “Legends of the First Date?”) I am glad I was not put under that kind of pressure—I would still be single! I am not a big fan of dating anyway, but the rating of dating based on how romantic the guy was is not fair, at least in my opinion. News flash: most men of God I know will not be in the hall of fame of great first dates or make the elite list of romancers. There is a difference between a guy who is romantic on the surface (which means he could be a fraud) and a guy who genuinely cares for you. I actually heard a guy explain to a guy friend how certain flowers were to be given for certain occasions (roses for forgiveness, carnations for random affection, bla bla bla).  Gag me.

Young ladies: please stop watching the Gilmore Girls or some worldly television show, or even listening to each other, to learn how to find the right guy. Enjoy your chick flicks, but constantly remind yourself as you watch that every time when the scene you are watching does not depict biblical advice or give realistic expectations of men you should reject it. Why do singles constantly give out advice on relationships?  Get some counsel from godly married women. Same for guys, except get it from men J.  

I remember well my first date with Michelle. The first time I saw her I was smitten by her beauty. But what struck me about her as I got to know her was this: I had never talked to a young lady with such spiritual depth.  I knew she walked with God, and that for me was so attractive. I knew I didn’t deserve her, so I prayed a lot.  And then I prayed more. I thank God for my wife Michelle every day.  Yes, I buy flowers. Yes, I try to do special things. But I can assure you she did not marry me because I was the real life equivalent of Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle (ok, fill in your movie).  I am often a terrible listener. My mind is constantly racing, and I am too often preoccupied.  I forget details (NOT like our anniversary). Sometimes I wonder why she did marry me. But I think maybe this is why: I really do love her. And I do really love Jesus. And I really want to make a difference for Him, and I want us to do that together always. I have always wanted us to serve Jesus together rather than using her as my means to ministerial stardom. And I am not some flaky, can’t-ever-make-up-his-mind kind of guy.  I think maybe she looked past my idiocy to see that underneath the layers of knuckleheadedness there was something worth having.

So, if you are looking for the guy who loves moonlit walks on the beach and leaves rose petal trails for you, do not spend time with the young men who hang out with me, because I will not help them to become that.  Sorry guys. There are guys like that who love Jesus for sure, but I am not sure that should be a top tier requirement.  Find a guy who follows Christ, not a guy from Camelot.

2. Mr. Savior — Jesus has already walked on the earth.  You are not going to marry

Jesus. Stop looking for a Savior. Stop looking for someone who is sinless. And, stop taking out your bad former relationships with men (whether your dad, brothers, boyfriends, etc), on godly young men who had nothing to do with that you meet now. Too many seek guys with a the sugar-coated spiritual view that looks for the guy who will be the next great “whatever” in ministry so they can marry him and feel good about themselves. Ladies, set high standards. But look in the mirror every now and then and realize you are not perfect, and neither is he going to be. You are choosing the path of celibacy, which is a noble path, but one you will walk, if you expect guys to be Jesus.

Here is what I think you should expect in a guy:

–a guy who walks with Jesus consistently, not perfectly.  He is not always looking for loopholes to be more like the world, but is always asking how he can be more like Christ.

–a guy with a servant heart. He makes sacrifices for you.  Maybe he is not so romantic, but he is kind. And gentle. And patient. And not self-centered. I confess these guys are rare. But you are only going to marry one.

–a guy who is a man, not a boy.  He can make decisions, and manage his life from his laundry to his checking account, as an adult. He can be provoked and not have a tempter tantrum and pout like a baby, and can be saddened and not fall apart.  He can show real emotion (real men do cry—look at Jesus and Paul), but is not a pansy. And he is not just an overgrown clown in a man’s body—he has a sense of humor but is not a middle school goofball. Laugh at clowns, but marry a man.

–a guy who has a vision for life that brings glory to God. He is not a ladder climber or a user of relationships. He loves sharing the gospel with the lost more than arguing about his theological views with friends.

–a guy who will aggravate you, frustrate you, anger you, and maybe sometimes hurt you. Because all guys, well, all guys are fallen.  Just like you. But not a guy who does so intentionally.

I love to see couples move from friendship to family. I will soon celebrate my 27^th anniversary.  On September 29, 2009, I will celebrate the 30^th anniversary of my first date with Michelle. You know the greatest thing about that night? I met a girl who let me be who I am, warts and all, and who always saw the best in me without ever being overly impressed with me. I fear that sometimes wonderful, beautiful, precious, godly young ladies have expectations of young men that are neither fair nor biblical.  So maybe take a little time to ponder what you seek in a man.  And then make sure that type of man actually exists.  And above all else, find your contentment in Jesus.