A Little Advice to Young Men

Some time ago I wrote a little post called “Advice to Daughters from a Dad.”  In that I tried to encourage young ladies, especially those not close to their dads. The following is for guys. It will be direct. I ran it by some young men not like I describe below to ask them if it were too harsh, and they replied, “Only if you are a girl.” Smile. I write this in hopes of bringing correction to those who at some level are represented by what follows.

Most young men in college and seminary, and most single young men I know who love Jesus, really want to treat young ladies with respect. I regularly see these men meeting young ladies, moving into a relationship, and then to the marriage covenant. Some guys want to do well, but never had the joy of a father in their life that loved them enough to kick their tails when they got out of line, so they say and do dumb things.  Some simply never stop to evaluate their practices toward their sisters in Christ. And then there are some, a few…. Well, this article is especially for you.  I honestly write this for no other reason than to wake up some young men heading nowhere healthy in relationships. I can sum up the article in one sentence:

Stop being an idiot! 

Because idiots actually have a hard time recognizing their idiocy, please ask yourself (better, ask your most godly friends) if you exhibit any of these traits or are like one of these fellows I describe:

1. The “keep your games on the X Box” guy. He is the one who treats you like a game of tag—you are it, and they simply want to “catch” you.  It is all about the pursuit, not a life together.  Idea: put down your copy of Wild at Heart, which talks about rescuing a damsel, and pick up a copy of the Bible, which talks about the God Who rescued you from sin. If you keep walking with Him, he just might rescue you from yourself!

“I have met some boys, brilliant actors, carrying on a grand masquerade,” one young lady told me. “They say all of the right things and even begin doing the right things. YET I would wait. And soon, over time, the truth would come out. Not all of them were horrible or intentionally deceitful (although some were). It was just that to them, it was a game. I was just another girl to be won.”

This is also the guy who simply shows up “randomly” at the library, or coffeehouse, or wherever a certain young lady is, and begins carrying on a conversation as if they were life long friends.  Stalking is illegal by the way. This is also the guy who is too lazy to sacrifice, but would rather expect the lady in his life to do all the work—to make the trips in long distant relationships, to pay for the phone calls, to make time around his schedule to be available. If you won’t crawl over hot coals for her, just leave her alone and play Halo or something with your immature friends.

2. The “My way is Yahweh” guys.  These are the guys who say really sappy, spiritually sounding things that actually are dumber than a stick. How about this nonsense: “I have been praying, and God has led me to ask you out.”  If you are a guy who tells a young lady she is “THE ONE” and it is “God’s will” for you two to be together, I have three things to say to you.  First, you are violating the third commandment, for you are taking the Lord’s name in vain. How dare you speak for God so flippantly? That is the epitome of arrogance.  Second, you disrespect your sister in Christ, treating her as less than you.  If that is your idea of spiritual headship, get yours examined.  Third, if my daughter is the one to whom you say such nonsense, run. Run very fast, and very far away.

You are not being godly when you speak like this. You are being a manipulator. You play the “spiritual” card when it works, the “feel sorry for me” card, the “I’m angry” card, etc. You are the most pathetic of all.  And you need to get right with God or get out of the ministry. This is not about how you relate to women, but how you relate to your Lord.

This is also the guy who treats the girl in whom he is interested really special, but pretty much ignores the rest—her friends, other girls he knows, etc.  There is another word for this guy—loser.

3. The “I cannot decide if I am a preacher or an actor” guy.  Hint, actors are the ones who FAKE it.  If you have a hidden side, if lust reigns in your life, if you are one of those sketchy guys who stares at a young lady in class all day, who knows way too many personal details, get out of the ministry and get some HELP. Creeps like you make really wonderful young ladies skeptical of all young men of God seeking to be ministers of the gospel.  Just one like you (and thank God there are few) can really mess up a young lady’s mind. It is not where you are; it is where your heart and mind have you headed, that matters. On two occasions in my many years of teaching I have seen creepy guys act differently toward a young lady in seminary when they heard she came to Christ from a very immoral background. These guys suddenly become very friendly. It is not hard to see that something other than discipleship was their motive.

4. The “Bait and Switch.”  This is the guy who finds himself suddenly “called’ to ministry when he realizes the young lady he likes only seeks men of God.  This fellow suddenly has a conversion, but it is to her religious views, not to Jesus.  He may follow her to school or to church. He is particularly dangerous because he can learn the lingo pretty easily.  Ladies, take your time. Watch him when he gets angry. Be with him when his guard is down. Pay attention to your friends who know you well and your weaknesses.

5. The “I need to grow up” guy. Some traits:

Arrogance—shut up already bla bla bla-ing about your ministerial accomplishments. First of all, if you have any accomplishments, God gets the credit. Second, if you parade those all the time, you only show how insecure you are. Thirdly, here is a news flash: you are not that special. Finally, you may be shocked to know this, but the Kingdom of God will survive without you.

Insecurity—insecure guys are amazingly unattractive. When you argue all the time about your favorite –ism, when you put down others to show you are superior, when you talk about yourself as if anyone actually cares, when you are constantly being silly and childish and do not know when to be funny and when to be focused, when you confuse the need to be gentle with weakness, when you think constant sarcasm marks you as mature, you simply portray insecurity, and that is sad.

Inconsistency—be who you are all the time. Be who you are when alone and when in public.  If you have a bad temper, if you have deep prejudices, you will be found out. If you truly disrespect women, treating them more as a project than a sister in Christ, it will be shown. If you string a girl along because you cannot “find yourself,” you are in no position to be in a relationship.

Uncertainty—I have heard more than anything else from young ladies who love Jesus that the thing that drives them crazy is a guy who is indecisive. Okay, so you do not know exactly all of God’s will for the future, who does? Could you at least be confident that God will ultimately reveal it? Can you walk in faith?

Impatience—if you see every single young lady you meet first as a potential mate and talk about marriage with them, you may as well write LEPER on your head. Try learning how to be a friend, and a brother in Christ, and you might just see such a friendship grow into something more.

What do godly ladies seek? Here are some direct quotes:

A man who is confident of who He is in Christ Jesus;

who seeks to know Christ more each day than he did the last;

who has made Christ his great treasure;

 who has devoted himself to the Word;

who causes the words to come off the page (a man who lives the Word),

who has made Christ his heart’s desire,

who treats a lady like a princess,

who wants to change the world for the glory of God.

By the way, young ladies, do not assume every guy you meet is represented by the worst case scenario you have met.  There truly are some young men who love Jesus. Give those guys a chance, please. No, none of them are perfect. I was a world-class knucklehead as a young man at times (still am). But there is a difference between innocent areas where a young man must grow, and devious schemes of a sketchy pretender.  You can kiss a toad over and over, but a toad will still be a toad.

A final word: young men who do love Jesus (that would be most of you) — have the guts to confront your so-called friends who are guys when they talk and act like fools when it comes to women. The day of “gentleman” being seen only on a strip club sign or a bathroom door needs to end.  If your daddy never taught you how to treat a lady, I am sorry. But you are not a child now. Learn how to treat women, or pray for celibacy, which by the way is not an unbiblical lifestyle. We embarrass the Kingdom of God by the way we act around the opposite sex. That has to change.