A Word to Young Ladies from a Dad

This weekend I have the honor of officiating a wedding for two young adults I love dearly.  I have known Joy since her middle school years as we were in the same church.  Shaun became a special student as he studied for the MDiv in Evangelism here. They met in a small group I had in my office in 2005.  I am quite the remarkable matchmaker when I have no idea what I am doing!

I love being a dad. I love family. Nothing thrills me more than hanging out with Michelle and our children, and I have felt that way since they were born. Josh has become a young man now, and I can see our relationship transitioning into friendship more as time passes.

Now that Hannah has become a high school student, maturing into a beautiful, godly young lady, I have given much thought and prayer regarding the man who could one day be her husband.  I love Hannah so much.  I would die for her.  I would also kill for her.  If you are reading this please let every young man who knows her read that carefully. I would kill for her.  And, it wouldn’t take much J.

Michelle and I have tried to model for both Josh and Hannah what a home looks like. We are not perfect, but we have sought to center our home on Jesus. What I see in so many young people, especially young ladies, is a desire to have a home like that.  In fact, I have recently had young ladies in my classes tell me they have hardly ever seen a loving, godly family until they came to seminary and observed some faculty and their families.

In my interaction with young adults, whether students in class or youth/college aged young adults in my merry travels, I often have a chance to sit down with individuals to find where they are spiritually. So, I thought I would take a stab at offering a little advice to young ladies, in particular those who do not have a lot of interaction with their fathers. I have a lot of lady students in that circumstance. Some have allowed me the honor of being a dad of sorts. Some allow me to be a part of their wedding when they meet the man of their dreams, which is really cool, as in this weekend.  Others bring their boys by to see me, allowing me the honor of standing in as a father, weighing in on the young man’s readiness to be the man in her life.  Michelle’s dad left her home when she was eight, and she has helped me a lot to know how to be a father figure to others.

So I thought I would write a little something that might encourage young ladies, especially young ladies who love Jesus but do not have a father involved in their lives. You might be surprised how many young ladies fit that description. I am not an expert at this. But I am a dad, and I love children, even grown up children who could be mine (after all, I am 49).  So the following is not for guys, but for young ladies…

1. A father figure is a good thing. I have seen the need for young ladies to have an older, godly man to talk to about things that matter.  I do not mean some cheesy middle-aged guy who is in a mid life crisis and feels better about himself by hanging out with young ladies. Eww. I mean a man whose only agenda is to help a young lady (and young men, for that matter) grow spiritually and make wise decisions.  When I get to know a young lady well at seminary who sees me as a father, she has to get to know Michelle.  And Hannah. And be involved in my family somewhat. And usually when they meet Michelle they are not so interested in what I say because she is a better listener that I am anyway! But a man of God who simply gives fatherly, Christ-honoring counsel and encouragement every young lady needs.

2. The friends you choose matter more than you think. I speak to youth often, and I tell the girls I am sure not one of them wants to get to my age and say, “My life has been like this—I have been married and divorced three times, I have two kids by two different men, and I cannot get them to pay child support.”  Nobody wants to grow up into that. But many young ladies are heading there because of the choices they make about friends, both girl friends and guy friends. When you pick your friends you pick your future.  I have recently seen three different young ladies in college who grew up in Christian homes move away and within a year trash all they knew about following Christ only to shack up with some bum who knew how to sweet talk them.  I have a strong conviction that all of these ladies will have significant regrets in just a few years. If you run with dogs, you will get fleas.

3. Think long term. When you give your heart to a guy, you are heading the direction of making a commitment to grow old with him. Young ladies without a father in their life become easily dependent on a boyfriend. They often go from boyfriend to boyfriend, looking for love a teenaged boy will never be able to give, a father’s love.  Even if you as a young lady find a truly godly young man who cares for you, he cannot be a father to you.  Think about the long-term consequences of the relationships you have.  Young ladies without a dad often hunger for affection, and respond one of two ways. They either become too affectionate with guys their age far two early, or they react to the opposite extreme, never letting a guy get close to them.  Keep a long-term focus, and see the opportunity of marriage as a blessing for a lifetime.

4. Learn to know your Heavenly Father. I mentioned that Michelle’s dad left home when she was eight.  She learned through her teenaged years to spend much time with God the Father. When I met her, I had never met anyone who had such a deep, intimate walk with her Father. That was so attractive to me.  Rather than being bitter about what she did not have, she chose to seek the One who would be more than any earthly father could be.  I am always blessed to hear from young ladies who visit with Michelle how much wisdom they gain from one conversation with her.  Wisdom comes from our Father.

If you are a young lady from a broken home without a Dad in your life, remember this: you did not cause the breakup in your family. You did not cause your father to stop loving you. That was his choice.  You are a precious, unique person created in the very image of God. You are loved by Jesus. Your past does not have to predict your future. Let the things missing in your life become a catalyst to run hard after God. Oh, and by the way, if you are not content to be single and to walk with Jesus, you really have no business being in a relationship with the opposite sex.

5. Begin to think now about starting a new legacy. If your home was not what you had hoped, begin to commit your life to Jesus so that when you marry, and when you have children, you will draw a line in the sand and begin a new heritage for your family.  But if you will do that, and I meet so many young ladies who want that desperately, you start the process long before you marry. You begin to become the kind of Christ-follower that will be ready for that kind of marriage when the time comes.  We have begun a new legacy at our home. I have diligently sought to give Hannah the affection and encouragement a daughter needs. 

I read a quote by Dobson once that went something like this: “A good father leaves a stamp on his daughter that lasts her whole life.” I am sure that is true. But a bad or missing father can also leave scars.  The good news is that Jesus Christ has a habit of removing scars.

I am not a Christian counselor, and I am sure my colleagues in counseling would give far better advice than I on this subject. But I know what I see, and I know the power of the Gospel.  I know Jesus Christ can write a new story for your life.  Let Him be the man of your life. And if you happen to be a young man or a dad, remember the wise counsel of Proverbs 20:7: “A righteous man will walk in his integrity, and his children are blessed after him.”